The Day She Realised She had Settled

Lisa looked around the house and wondered when she had become this kind of woman. The kind she despised and looked down upon. She stood and looked at her reflection in the living room mirror. She almost did not recognise the person staring back at her. She saw the lines that had formed on her forehead and she just had to look away because she hated herself. How did she become this woman? What had she done to deserve such a life with so many insecurities and so much sadness?

Lisa had had her life planned out. She would be married by twenty six and would close the chapter of children by thirty. And when she met Charles at only twenty four, she knew her plan was right on track. Charles was a man who fit the tall, dark and handsome cliche. He was a mechanical engineer, and at twenty seven, he just had one more year and he would be certified to practise. He was intelligent; both street smart and book smart- a combination so lethal yet so intoxicating. Lisa was a Public Relations Officer with a top firm and she definitely had no time nor space for men who would be unable to carry on a conversation other than how the fuel prices are now favourable, or how the current government is just a disappointment. Of course, she did not mind that banter, but she also wanted to have an intellectual conversation; one that would give her a break from the crap she dealt with at work. She needed an escape. She was tired of those "Unapark wapi ?" guys. She needed a man to make her smile. She found this in Charles.

He was a gentleman. It seemed as though he had a peek at her checklist before he came into her life. He had had a tough upbringing, but he had been able to get himself through school, and his "street smarts" had allowed him to create an application that allowed people to send money overseas and vice versa with almost no cost, and this was how he was able to pay school fees for his siblings, and even begin constructing a house for his mother. His rags to riches story really inspired Lisa, and she remembered to thank God for the good hand He had dealt her. She had been raised by both her parents, and though there were struggles, she never lacked for anything: food, clothing, you name it, she had it; these were luxuries Charles had to look for all on his own because his ailing grandmother was unable to. Whenever Charles spoke about his childhood, there were always tears, because it was still raw in his mind and heart. Lisa liked to think the moments she spent getting to know him served as therapy. She did not pretend that she would completely heal him within that short time they knew each other, but she liked that he trusted her enough to open up to her. This was another thing she liked about Charles. Unlike the other pitiable souls she had had the displeasure of dating, who had trouble letting her in, he was the complete opposite.

He was her Prince Charming, and everyday Lisa thought she was living in a dream. He was perfect! The number of Hail Marys she had recited had finally paid off. It was all smooth sailing until they had their first argument. Charles raised his voice and he said some things which he later apologised for saying. Lisa let this slip, as she had really grown fond of Charles, and after all, it was but a mere misunderstanding. It happened again, and this time the comment Charles made was rather degrading. It was an omission on Lisa's part, and Charles was furious! Why he had to hit the roof was beyond her. He sulked and did not speak to her for three days. She tried calling him, but his phone went unanswered. Her texts were not replied to. Lisa had cried herself to sleep every night. She battled with God. She asked Him why He had brought him into her life. She reasoned that she was supposed to 'heal' him as he healed her. They were supposed to be soul mates. The more she thought about the time she spent with him, the more the tears flowed. She hated him for making her cry. And she hated herself even more for allowing the tears to fall. Charles did not know how much she was hurting.

On the fourth day, Charles reached out to her. He asked for them to forget the past and move on. What took you so long? Why do you need so long to forgive? She did not speak out loud, and after a re-conciliatory dinner, she knew she had made a mistake, but she convinced herself that she was making the right decision taking him back. At the dinner, Charles promised to do right by her. She was his queen, he said. He was sorry he made her feel like he did not care. He just had a lot going on. Lisa reached out to touch his hand. She looked into his eyes and reassured him that whatever it was, they would handle it together. It was them against the world. She should have known how big a mistake she was making.

Everything went on smoothly until Lisa realised that she was spending less and less time with Charles. Initially, he would always make time for her in his busy schedule, but as the days passed, she found herself always throwing a pity party wondering what it was he was up to. Lisa did not want to be insecure, but Charles did nothing to reassure her. It seemed as though he was pushing her further away every time she tried to reach out. Sometimes she would call him and he would not pick up, then the following day social media would reveal the reason why. Picture after picture of Charles sandwiched between half dressed girls or him holding liquor would be posted, and there was nothing she could do. She was the nice, kind-hearted girlfriend. Heck! She couldn't even harm a fly. She confronted him about it, but he brushed it off arguing it was nothing. It happened a second time, then a third. Was she so boring that she could not be taken out on these nights? When did she become this girl who sat at home, nursing her phone willing it to ring? 

Lisa had become that nagging girlfriend. The one who asked where her boyfriend was and who he was with The one who asked questions and did not bat an eyelid when she was given a half baked answer. She was just short of hiring a private investigator to find out what her 'darling' had been up to. So as she sat in her living room crying, Lisa thought back to her life before she met Charles, and this moment. She should have turned her back to him the moment they had their first argument. It was a petty argument. She laughed to herself even amid the tears. No, she was not going to live like this anymore. It was not healthy. She had cut ties with her friends because of this man. Her work had began to suffer. She was a wreck; a walking zombie. The smile on her lips did not reflect the hurt and pain she was going through. It was at this moment that she realised that in her hurry to get that dream man, she had forgotten to take care of herself; to put herself first. The number of compromises she had made to make the relationship work were too many. And what had he done? Nothing! So what he spent money on a few dates. That wasn't enough. She needed more. And she was not going to get it from him.

Lisa got up, walked to the bathroom and washed her face with cold water from the tap. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. This time she smiled, and the smile actually reached her eyes. She had made up her mind, and this time she chose herself. So she walked back to the living room where she had left her phone. She dialled that number she had already memorised. She had a message for him, and he was going to accept it whether he liked it or not.  "Hallo, Charles..."