Dream Killers

When I was in nursery, or what the Americans call elementary school, we had this 'lesson' in school where we would sing worship songs and have presentations by the pupils. Our school was mostly Christian- first Presbyterian then later Catholic, so this was rather easy to conduct on the teacher's part. I was five years old and I loved to sing. When it was time for presentations, I was the first in line. Now, I was not singing songs already written, recorded and performed. I was singing my own songs. Freestyling. Every Friday evening I came up with a tune singing how God is good and how he loves us all. One day, my teacher at the time, perhaps having lost the patience to stomach my freestyling and told me to stay back "with my songs" and allow the rest with presentations to do their thing. That did it for me. I sat back down, and on the next Friday when she called for presentations I did not look up. Even when she called out my name, I said I had no presentation. That was the first dream killer I met. Most children nowadays when a parent or teacher discovers they have a talent, they encourage them so that they may harness it and grow with it. Not in the 90s. Not me, anyway. If God had purposed that I be that musician who would tell the world about His glory, that plan died on that dreadful Friday.

My love for music did not end, but I no longer did my freestyle singing. I got into high school. A very prestigious one at that. We had inter-house competitions. In the first term, were the inter-house music competitions. This is where each house did a folk dance from an African community and a set-piece. If there were anything else, it has slipped  my mind. I put my sweat and all into practicing the moves for the supposed folk dance. It was custom/tradition that the seniors (read fourth formers) to watch the dance and give their approval and comments towards the same. After we performed the folk dance, a fourth former said," The dance is very good. However, there is a friend of mine. I won't mention names but, aaaaiiiii!!! you cannot dance!" After they left, I was told that I would not be part of the dance, but not that I was not needed; I would be a drummer or whatever. I had never thought that I did not know how to dance until that moment. What would you know:I had two left feet! There are my house-mates who never made me forget that day and I had to laugh with them even though it actually stung. I actually came up with the concept that a move looked good in my head but when I acted it out, it backfired so I made sure I never put myself in a position where I needed to dance.

As I grew older, every time I met those aunties from  ocha or even just those aunties who had not seen me in a long while, I was always greeted with the words,"Wooow! You have grown so big!" This was never said in a good tone, so I always dreaded meeting these people. If they meant well, they would have said something like," Woooow! Look at how tall you've grown. When I saw you last you this high (indicating a short distance from the ground) and now you're this high! (indicating how tall you are now)"They would also have complimented on how lovely/ beautiful etc I was. But they didn't. I became self-conscious. It got to a point where I stopped caring and actually ate so I could become that big that they were saying I was. I continued to gain weight till I finished high school.  At my late grand mother's funeral, I remember one of the ladies who was helping the family cook for the guests make a comment about my weight. Well, this lady was not exactly Naomi Campbell so it was a case of the pot calling the kettle black, but it still hurt. Unfortunately at that moment, I did not know exactly how to lose weight so I stress ate myself obese. I got used to people getting my age wrong. I accepted that I will never be younger than I actually was. I did not really care what it was I was wearing. Not that I could get my size anyway. We were at a different time then. Size 0s and 2s were praised and anyone above a size 8 was fat. Now we even have plus size models. I have since lost the excess weight but I still have that mentality that I'm still fat. I will still pick a size bigger than I am when  I'm shopping. I would still rather stay home than go shopping (for clothes). It shall take a while before I accept my size and feel confident; but I am learning. I commend all the plus size ladies wearing their confidence. You give the rest of us hope that one day we too shall come to love ourselves as we are.

I have big dreams for my life and goals that I desire to achieve. I will not put them here for all to read, because just like the brothers of Joseph who were appalled when they heard of his dreams; not everyone may be happy to hear about them. And this is the same for everyone. Do not tell everyone your dreams because not everyone you tell of them are happy to hear that you have big dreams for yourself. Some may have given up on their dreams and do not want to see you succeed. Be selective about those you tell your dreams to. Even a husband or wife; brother or sister would end up being one of your detractors. Not that they do not want to see you succeed. They are just afraid of seeing you fail just as they did in a certain area of their life. 

I have been doing a lot of reflection this period of time I have been home. And I realised that I let dream killers kill my dreams. Dream killers are external and internal. The external are people who may make negative comments to you; and the internal are the feelings you let breed inside you from the negativity. This is where fear cripples you and you abandon your dream. For a long time I had let these dream killers thrive. But today I say no more! And I urge you to say the same. Today I dance as if no one is watching. Who knows, tomorrow I might go and record my own creation song. Every day that I wake up is a blessing from God, and I would like to use this gift to bless others. It may not be large scale, but if I make even one person smile on one day, then I know I am on the right track.

Go on and dare to dream! Isaiah 40:31