Of Chauvinism and Custody

"When a man is charged with taking care of children in a woman's absence, Mr. Njoka said "the children are at a better place because he can get another wife to take care of them. But when it is a woman left to take care of children, boys usually suffer especially when their mother remarries. That is why we have so many boys in the streets." (The Sunday Nation, Lifestyle Magazine, March 22 2015- Quote by Maendeleo ya Wanaume (MAWE)  Chair)

I was quite appalled to say the least when I read the above words. It just proved how chauvinistic a society we live in. What irked me the most was that it was not the first time I was hearing a man say something like that. Only two weeks a go, a classmate of mine who also happens to be a very well respected man in the society mentioned how boys raised by mothers who were single parents tuned out to be unruly and generally did not  grow up to be what society expected them to be. In short, he was trying to say that women who raised boys on their own made them sissy-like and less of a man. Or rather that is what was implied. 

I was pained by this comment, because I have been raised 'single-handedly' by my mother and so far I have turned out okay, by any normal standards. I am God willing going to graduate this year, so things cannot be that bad right? 

The article was about divorce and how some women are turning it into a money making venture. I shall not delve into that here because that is another topic that needs its own time and space. So back to the quote.That quote by the MAWE Chair has so many things wrong with it. First, we begin with "...the children are at a better place..." Exactly how are these children in a better place? Was the mother an alcoholic, prostitute or a drug user? Then, how, pray tell are they in a better place? This is a highly chauvinistic statement that tries to show that men are the more superior of the human species and women are right there with the dogs. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but that is exactly how the feminist in me sees it. It is assumed that a man left with children knows what to do, what they need and how their future will pan out. Not that the same is obvious for women, but why are men put on a higher pedal-stall than women?

Then proceed on to "...he can get another wife to take care of them...". Why can't the man take care of his children on his own? Is this so hard a job that he has to get help from another woman? Women are said to be the ones who nurture children, although my learned classmate disagreed with that. It is naturally assumed that this woman will take care of the man's children as if they were her own. Granted, there are women who will do that, and when they get their own, one will not tell the difference between her children and those of the man's. However, there are those women with no kind bone in them. From the get go, these women will not like the man's children and will do everything in their power to make sure these children suffer while their own children are living the  life. This is not a fairy tale. It happens. There are step-mothers from hell. And many people who have grown up with step parents will tell you of an incident where their step mother treated them badly and favoured their own children above them.

"...boys usually suffer especially when their mother remarries.." Let's just ignore the fact that society frowns upon a woman remarrying and women are accorded the same dignity as men when they remarry. This statement implies that regardless of whether or not the woman remarries, the boys shall still suffer. Okay, let's tackle this part. For anyone who has lived on this earth, they have probably heard of the Oedipus Complex. Given this tiny little bit of information, a woman who has sons will highly reconsider before she remarries. This is mostly because of the one thing men hold dearly: EGO.You will never see a man falling over himself to take care of another man's children, and so a woman who knows this,weighs her options before she decides to remarry. The complex I was talking about comes in here. The reasons why a woman ends up taking care of a child while single varies, and it is why I find this comment was made in bad taste. Women are known to do whatever it takes to give their families the best and boys who are smart will take this and learn from it and work hard and give their mothers the lives they were unable to give them. Or that is how I think it should be. So these are the men you will see on the Forbes List and if they do not make it there, they shall catch the media's attention. And even if they do not do that, their mothers are living a better life because of their sons who are working hard to make life better. 

We have boys raised in homes with both parents, and we still have the boys labelled "momma's boys". In fact, these are many. These are the ones you will find have clocked 32 and are still living with their parents and the father has the nerve to mention the Ivy-League schools he has taken 'his boy' to and the good job he got for him. But why, why is he still living in your house if the job is so great? I know...you forgot to teach him to be independent. That is what that mother who either is widowed, divorced or unmarried taught her son that you did not. I do not write this post to castigate anyone. Parenting is the hardest job on the planet. But surely, we have no right pointing fingers at women who have had to make choices that would have required a man's input. I understand, maybe the article was one- sided and that there is only so much you can say on print, but I was very disappointed that in the 21st century this is how people are still thinking.

Unfortunately, the negatives is what is portrayed, and that is why it was said,"That is why we have so many boys in the streets." Really? Is this the reason why we walk downtown in Nairobi in constant fear of being pelted with faecal matter? I highly disagree. Any boy found on the street has a story to tell and it is not just that my mother remarried and my step-father hates me. 

It is just the boys who are mentioned. Of course I had to ask, what about the girls? Truth: Girls suffer less when their mothers do not remarry or get married for that matter. If the news is anything to go by, some step- father's are the devil's spawn. They look at their step- daughters as fresh  meat they can devour. At the Thika Law Courts, there was a step-father who infected his 12 year old step-daughter with HIV with   the understanding that if he slept with a virgin, he would be cured. Clearly we are not doing a good job at creating AIDS awareness, but this is the situation we have at hand. Mothers who remarry more often than not are so blinded by the love of this man, that they forget to take care of their children. So this man who is supposed to be caring for her daughter does more harm than good. I know this is debatable because not all step- fathers are of this calibre, but we must also be aware that they are there, and they will cause more anguish than joy to families.

In conclusion, let's get our heads out of the sand and agree that women can do a man's job and do it well. Let us not assume that men are already entitled and it is a no- brainer that whatever they touch will turn into gold. It is a sensitive issue, but chauvinism must be dealt with and dealt with appropriately. The days of looking down on women should have been upon us a long while ago but we are still here talking about it. Enlighten a friend today. A woman is a phenomenal being, and so is a man. None is greater than the other. None is lesser of a being than the other. Uplift a woman today. Shun the spirit of chauvinism, it does not g well with that suit.