Being Nice got me nowhere

I remember when I was growing up. I always stood out from the rest. I do not really know why but I did. Even my best friend in primary school was not really my best friend. We  started talking after we argued about how games were play. I was never picked to play games like I went to London, Simon says or cartie. That was until I decided that I would blend in. Things worked out well for me. I gained friends and people got to know my name. I had people to invite to my birthday parties. What changed? I became nice.

That is not to say that I was mean and a bully before. No. It ,want that I shelved my ideas and agreed with every one. I did not want arguments so I did not say anything that would offend anyone.

Perhaps they saw through me and figured I was fake and they did not need generic people in their lives. This is why when they endured their time spent they removed themselves from my life. I don't blame them. Even I would want to remove myself from me.

I continued to be nice in high school. No one I knew feared me. On the contrary, everyone was friendly and civil with me. Being the introvert I am, when everyone is singing about genuine friendship, I am asking myself where my friends are. I cannot read Margery Kabuya's book on friendships without thinking that even the friends I have in law school shall remove themselves just like the ones in primary and high school did.

Now that I am in law school, I see how being nice was a big mistake. Today someone called me and told me that among his lawyer friends, I was the only one who he could make shut up. Those words stung worse than when my ex boyfriend told me that I never trust him. The sad thing is that he is right. I do not speak up for my rights when need arises. I just sit and brood. I am suppose to be the future law maker of Kenya. This curse will be my death.

He made me realise the very thing I had been worried about my entire life in law school. How was I going to represent someone with the tenacity required if I was such a sissie? I used to tell myself that I would learn his to be tough. After all, I did survive boarding in high school. This is not the same. I am the kind of person who will shout at a person let's say a service provider who has not performed their side of the contract and leave that place with tears in my eyes. I cannot enjoy being angry without tears getting in the way.

You know in your life when things don't go as planned and you just feel like you are the star in A Series of Unfortunate Events? Sometimes that is my life every day. It is like I get small short lived breaks from the sadness to smile a little.

Maybe this is so because I compare myself with others but so many times I feel inadequate and incompetent. I cannot tell you the number of times I have asked myself whether I will make a good lawyer, if I am good enough for the guy I am dating. All this because my being nice led me to allowing people to take advantage of me. So I feel inferior and the need to make everyone happy. It does not matter if I am breaking up inside. It is the price I have to pay. I chose to be nice. Maybe in the next life, like Olivia Pope did, I shall choose me. For now, I shall  continue to be nice. It has brought me here and here is where I shall stay.