Goodbye, Love

"I did not ever think I would find myself saying this, but I have to let you go."

Those are words no one ever wants to hear. Yet, no matter how much he blinked, he could not unhear them.

Mark ran his hand over his face then rested his index finger over his lip with his thumb resting on his jaw. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He just looked at Sheila as she continued her narration. Sheila was his girlfriend of six months. They had had a beautiful relationship, by his standards. He remembered the princess cut he had bought the previous week, and he felt a sharp pain on the left side of his chest.

They were seated in her house. A two bedroomed house in Kasarani Area, very tastefully furnished. Sheila had cooked one of his favourite meals; ugali, kunde and kienyeji chicken. Sheila had watched him eat. She had listened to his stories, and even laughed till her ribs ached. Nothing could have prepared Mark for the bombshell she was about to drop. She had served him hot cocoa after the 9 o’clock news headlines. According to him, nothing was amiss. She was even cuddled up with him on the sofa at some point, who would have thought, she was giving him the boot?

When the words finally came to Mark, he sounded like an adolescent boy who had just broken his voice when he asked, “Why…?” He cleared his voice and tried again. He asked, “Why are you doing this?”

Sheila looked at him with those eyes he had grown to love, then looked down. She twiddled her thumbs. When she looked up again, tears had begun to well in her eyes. “I have realised that I am not a good fit for you…” she said in barely a whisper, her bottom lip quivering as she spoke.

The words felt to Mark like shattered glass, and he felt his stomach sink. He mustered some strength then asked, “Sheila, honey, what do you mean? I thought things were going on great between us. Did I do something? Did I forget your birthday? Babie, if I did anything I’m sorry…” he left the statement hanging, perhaps hoping Sheila would rethink her words. This time karma had come to bite him in the ass; for all the girls he had treated like crap in the past, the ones he had mercilessly thrown out of his apartment, and now the one he really wanted; the one who made his day was breaking up with him.

“I am not enough for you.” Sheila began. “I feel inadequate, like I…like I’m just wasting your time.” She stood up and faced her lime green and cream curtain. Tears were now streaming down her face, but she suppressed the sobs. Suddenly, she turned and said to Mark, “ I’m sorry. I wish I never let it get this serious this fast, but it is better if I break off this relationship now at this stage before we make a mistake. You see, I would rather talk about random stuff like what’s trending on IG, but you…you would rather talk about life’s most basic questions. Who are we? What is the purpose of life? What is human nature? What is sacred? Who are we as a people? Where did we come from and where are we going? I wouldn’t know a coupe from a mini even if I saw the images on Google. I don’t even know why you stuck with me all this while. So, I’m giving you an out. I am just saying that you don’t have to put up with my blonde moments anymore. You’re free. And Mark, I really am very sorry.”

Sheila turned her back towards Mark and let the tears drop. She heard herself cry, felt her shoulders heave, but did not feel herself sink towards the floor. It hurt to do this, but it was easier to push Mark away, than tell him she was depressed. He had a lot on his plate, he did not need to add on her woes. It was better this way. Even if he did not see it then, he would appreciate this thing she had done. One day he would thank her.

Before she actually got to the ground, Mark pulled her up and turned her around. He held her tight and whispered in her ear, “I am not going anywhere. No matter how hard you push, I am still going to be here.” Sheila let herself be held. She felt her sobs get heavier, and Mark took this as a sign to tighten his grip around her. He held her until she calmed down. When she did, Mark let go of her and the first thing she said was, “I should just let you go, so that you can be with someone whose intellect matches yours.” A fresh bout of tears began. This time, Mark had composed himself. He said, “Sheila, if that were really true, you wouldn’t be crying right now.”

The reality of Marks words hit Sheila hard. She wiped the tears falling on her cheeks with the palms of her hands, and then brought them onto her nose. She held her hands there a while then dropped them. “Mark, I love how you treat me. I love spending time with you, but I feel like I do not mentally stimulate you. If I feel this right now, how do you expect things to change one year...five years…twenty years down the line? I think up mundane topics, you actually think of practical ways to improve your life and implement them. I do the basic minimum while you go above and beyond. I will drag you down, Mark. Please just let me go. It’s better this way.”

“I need you to tell me what this is really about. Ever since I met you, you have always seemed happy. You shared your dreams with me. I love your mind, Sheila, you may think it’s simple, but no, it is amazing, and that is why I love it. Babe, trust me, if I weren’t serious about the two of us, I would have quit us a long time ago. But here I am. Please don’t shut me out. I love you, Sheila.” Mark looked into Sheila’s eyes. His own tears running down his beard. She had never seen him cry before. Perhaps he was serious. She took a step towards him. He took one too. She had a smile on her face. Even when she’s crying she still looks beautiful. Sheila was taking a final step towards Mark when she collapsed into his arms. “Goodbye, my Love,” she said.