Waiting for Love

They say writing helps you cope better with things, but clearly whoever it is that said that did not have to read 261 pages of a case about corruption then write a brief on it. But I digress. I have also heard that as you get older, break- ups become easier. 

You'd think I'd be over it by now, right? This guy did a number on me. I thank God I have school to keep me busy, but it is those few minutes before I go to sleep, that moment I lose concentration when I'm reading that that guy pops into my mind, and all the feelings wash over me. Did I mention that I stopped watching Grey's Anatomy? I got tired of crying over that guy, so this post is probably more about moving on than it is about the actual break-up. Honestly, I cannot wait for that time, because at this age, I have been nursing a heartbreak for six months.

It is a wonder that when lovers are jilted, that is the time they do something marvelous with their lives. If the albums Taylor Swift and Sam Smith did, are anything to go by, some of these people we date are probably the people who hold us back. Letting go of them makes us do things we would never have got a chance to do had we stayed with them. This is me trying to channel my heart-broken self to write so that I can forget. Time and time again we are told not to be unequally yoked with non- believers. Did I listen? Nooooo....well here I am, and because you are my faithful readers, you will read and laugh at/cry with then admonish me, and I shall be fine, hopefully, because at least you will confirm that I have now heard you and I am taking your advice seriously. Lol.

I wish I could say that the relationship liason ended amicably. Nope. It was bad. Like really bad. The I wish I never met this guy bad. The I wish I was never born bad. Can you imagine? A human being, breathing the same oxygen I do, making me regret the very day I was born. I, who is known to absolutely love birthdays- especially my own, and everything that comes with it. But that is how relationships can be. There are those lucky people celebrating their fifth anniversaries, or their seventh month-versary, then there's the rest of  us. The ones who can never get boyfriends, and when we do, it is just a matter of time before life shows us why we should be single. And just like that, our person is out of our lives. The funny thing is, or should I say the good thing is, you never get to introduce these people to your friends or family. Thank God. It is like God looks down from heaven and says, "My child, what are you doing with this one? No, get another one or just stay single.." Yep, even God prefers you single. 

Sometimes, as I look through social media,  and I see these couples who have gone to the studio and taken a photo of themselves then posted it with very many lovey dovey hashtags, or better yet, they just happened to be together and one of them, or both of them decided it was a good idea to take a selfie, and I toy with the idea, that maybe, perhaps, I was not cut out for this relationship thing. I am just forcing issues. Other times, as I am walking in the street I see couples holding hands, or a man carrying his lady's handbag, (Okay, this needs to stop, please! Let the girl carry her own bag. Kwani she was held at gun point and forced to carry the bag? I think not...) and I just think that I am destined to remain single forever. If I want children (which I do) I shall have to either adopt (not adapt, that is another thing all together) or look for a sperm donor.  

Celibacy. Yes, I have reached that point. Perhaps I need that moment where it is revealed to me that all is not lost. I am here because I thought I had found the one. Not the fake 'The One'. (You know how you say thee rather than just the for emphasis? Yeah, that one! That's the one I found. sigh) The One like for real!

 Every girl has a list of qualities that she looks for in a man. Whether they are superficial or not is up to her, but for me, I had some solid qualities I was looking for, and this guy had them...up until the point he showed me who he really was, and it turned out to be an act. I was humiliated, but above all I was so sad. Yaani, that person I thought I would begin my young life with was a fraud. Sucks. 

I cried bucket loads. I have not even spoken much about this to anyone, because every time I think about it I just feel the tears fill my eyes. It is hard. This may sound like a first world problem, but the thing is, relationships are that one thing that a person should not fail at. In my opinion. But I guess it is just like other things in life that you have to put an effort to get. Like Math. Bleurgh.

It is really funny how you go through life after a break-up. You can vow to go off men. I tried that. That is when guys come from Lord knows where declaring undying love. No, dude, I have had enough of your species. I am at that point. The thought of me being with  a guy makes me absolutely sick. Especially when I think of him. What in the world was I thinking? I swear that guy had gotten kamutii. There is no way my being with him was God ordained. I guess I was under a spell that whole time, and that is the only way I found myself in a relationship with the bugger convincing myself that he is 'The One'. Loool! 

I have not thought about lesbianism. Like poles DO NOT attract. Not in my world anyway. The reason for that is probably that I still have a sliver of hope that my luck with men will turn around, and I shall be among those girls we see on IG posting pics with  #bae #lovetingz mymanisberrerthanyoz (rolls eyes...I know...I know) who does not really want to be seen on there, put as many hashtags as IG will allow and make the rest of the world like the pics just because. Up until then, I will just focus on my books and pray that God helps me forget that human being so that I can love again.