Dealing with a Break-up

I think you should move on.

That is a message no one wants to ever see, because there is so much finality in it. There is no salvaging the situation. You probably did (or did not) see it coming, but still, nothing prepares you for a break-up. Breakup...break-up... Even the words themselves show separation. The hyphen is the one bringing them together. Without the hyphen it looks as though they are being forced together, and maybe that is what makes relationships end. Two different people coming together trying yet failing to make things work.

No one prepares you for a break-up. Each person deals with it differently. The mode in which a person chooses to break up with a person is what contributes to how the person will handle these bad news. This past Saturday, if you glossed through the Saturday Nation, you must have seen an article on the places you should not break up with someone. Just so you know, do not break up with someone in a bar; particularly one that is noisy, their favourite restaurant, the cafe you both used to go to on your dates, or your house. It is a rule that it is better to break up with someone face to face than on text or social media, because it is more sensitive. These days, the way relationships are, they start on text, continue on text, and so it is no wonder that they also end on text. For those who dated before the cellphone was owned by everyone, I am sure you are wondering how that is, but that is how impersonal relationships have become. But I digress.

When your significant other decides to call it quits, it means they have spent some time weighing their options and they have seen that they are better off without you. The other reason would be that they found someone better than you and they just want you out of the way, but we would sleep better if it were the former and not the latter reason. Either way, this person has decided that it would be best if you just parted ways. The only problem with that is, they are the ones who think you should part ways. Granted, your relationship was not all roses and candy, but it was getting there. Besides, three months was such a short time, with your busy schedules you never really got to know each other that well. All that reasoning falls on deaf ears. 

Your Love is not hearing any of it. They say they love you but they cannot be with you. What does that even mean? Are you supposed to just pretend that the feelings you developed for this person meant nothing and jump into the next relationship? No, that is not an option, so you try and fight for your love. Picturing yourself without them is giving you a feeling you have never experienced before. You are shivering. Your whole body is shaking. The leg that is hanging from the bed is springing up and down so fast, you take a moment and just look at it. Then your heart. Oh goodness! As far as you know, there have been no heart related illnesses in your family, but the way yours is beating, you may as well call the paramedics, because you will soon go into cardiac arrest. Your body temperature goes from hot to cold, in seconds, you begin to wonder whether you are going into menopause yet you're barely twenty five. This is what you have been reduced to because instead of placing your happiness in the Most High, you placed it in the hands of a man, just because he made you feel special in that way only you two understood.

You are now single. The pain in your chest is immeasurable. You cannot concentrate on anything. Life as we know it may as well come to an end. There is simply no reason for living. You are broken. There are no pieces to pick up. The tears sting your eyes and you let them flow because you still cannot believe your relationship is over. You had assignments to do, but those will have to wait. There are problems in the country: corruption, El Nino, unpaid teachers, inadequate medical facilities, all those are not important for now. Your sanity and your general well-being are all that matter at this moment. You sleep early. Why? You cannot talk. If you do, you will just burst into tears, so you swallow that lump that has formed in your throat, utter a goodnight to the family, then sprint to your room, flopping on the bed to have a good cry. You have to cry quietly though, you do not want your mother to hear you and ask the reason why you are filling your pillow with tears.

It is a battle between you and God. Why did God allow you and him to cross paths? Why has God let you down like this? You prayed for a man just like him. In fact, the man you prayed for was him, but it seems you met at the wrong time. He was perfect in every way, but maybe too perfect because you two are now not together. This is the point you say you are done with relationships. For real this time. You tell God that you are now praying for Him to bless your career and your family and friends. You are done praying for a husband. You prayed, he brought you one, but you still broke up. You are done...kaput, finito! You even toy with the idea of being a spinster all your life. Just stop the lineage where it is. You could always adopt children if you wanted, or get a sperm donor if you really needed to. You do not really hate the male species, but you just wonder how stupid you were to fall for the promises. Your mind goes back to all the conversations you had, all the time you spent together. Sure, it was brief, but those were moments when you felt the happiest. Now, here you are with a packet of tissues, on your bed, crying yourself silly. Remembering those moments brings a pain that would be similar to heartburn, only that you know the actual burning of your heart would be less painful than this. 

There it is, you cry yourself to sleep, and then you wake up before dawn to continue crying. You continue your battle with God, and conclude that perhaps He was looking out for you, and even though you do not feel it at that moment, it is for the best. That proves futile, because the tears are still flowing even without you wanting them to. Is it possible to cry until you are dehydrated? You think so, but that does not keep the tears from falling. The idea is to make sure you are busy with something. That way, you are not left alone to your own thoughts. Unfortunately, it is as if the universe wants to see your tears because there you are in a matatu, and your mind goes to something sweet your beau told you. Instead of smiling, tears fill your eyes. You are forced to look up so that the tears do not drop. However, the pain is still too raw, so you have to look for tissue to wipe your tears. You wipe them as if you are removing some dirt from your eye. You do not need the whole bus knowing you were dumped. The whole trip is a nuisance because tears keep stinging your eyes so you have to keep either blinking them out or staring outside just to keep your mind from thinking about him. 

This break-up is not the kind you go buying ice cream or whatever craving you normally have, to get over it. Neither Ciroc vodka nor Jameson, or whichever your poison, will drown your sorrow. You have lost your soul-mate, or rather the one you thought was your soul-mate. You do not just spring back to life as if nothing happened. Yes,the lesson from Joel Osteen's sermon last Sunday was to keep your crown and not let anyone take it from you. But how can you do that when you cannot even find love for yourself? You hate that you are in this situation. You hate yourself even more for allowing yourself to be in this situation, but there is nothing you can do about it. You just have to wallow in self pity and depression. 

You think about him. He is probably doing fine. If you met him in the streets you would see for yourself how good he is without you. That makes you mad. No, it makes you sad, and a fresh bout of tears hit you. You are alone in the house so you can wail. No one will disturb you. You just have to be sure to end the crying charade in time before you are asked why your eyes are bloodshot. Headaches. You have been crying so much that you forgot to eat. Wait, forgot? Oh no, food is the last thing on your mind. It simply cannot make its way down your throat. So the headaches are a combination of hunger and excessive crying. You will not take pain killers for that. You relish that pain. It is the least you can do,  because even though you are having suicidal thoughts, and you feel like throwing yourself in front of a bus, you still have a lot in the world to accomplish, and besides, you don't really want to die. It is just the heartache and desperation talking.

You will the phone to ring and when it beeps, you pray it is him, asking to take you back and for you two to start over. Sadly, it is not him. It is a message from one of your many Whatsapp groups. Your heart had made a leap, hoping it was him and now that it wasn't, you feel that burning in your chest again. Mercifully, the shivers have stopped, but you cannot help but wonder whether or not you should check yourself into a Psych ward. You may be going crazy. The levels of desperation you are showing are quite unnerving. No one knows what you are going through. This is a secret you will take to your grave. A problem shared is a problem half solved. Sure it is, but this is a problem you would rather solve on your own. 

Many have sung about heart-break. They say that time is a healer. You honestly do not feel that way. You actually prayed for the Lord to take you in your sleep, but you woke up the next day feeling somewhat fine, then your mind reminded you of him, and the tears resurfaced. No one will sit you down and tell you how to deal with a heart-ache. If anything, no one wants you to go through one. But it happens. It happens to the best of us. And even though we go through all these phases, we still get back up. You will cry, you will be angry, all that matters in the end is the attitude you will have after all the emotions have passed. Will you give up on love or will you give it another try? I cannot answer that question. You have to do some soul searching, and have some QT (quiet time) with God so that He shows you the plan He has for your life. However, what is most important is that this set back does not keep you from living your life and accomplishing your dreams. You are allowed to cry; you are allowed to hurt, but do not allow yourself to disintegrate into nothingness because of a break- up.